"You want my advice, make a list of everything you want now and spend the next 25 years getting it piece by piece"- The Score
On January 28th (Drake clearly prophesied this) from the hours 4-5am I was wide awake. Couldn't sleep. I pulled out my iPhone, and from start to finish wrote my first short film.
I've never made my own movie before. Never wrote a script. Never directed. Nor starred in a film. But living at home, so far from my creative family in LA, I couldn't sit still anymore. I needed to be fulfilled. I always loved to act, but it wasn't until I had to temporarily walk away from it that I realized it wasn't just love, it was purpose.
So this is but a simple clip of a rehearsal for my first ever project VOID. Filmed on my humble iPhone. It's crazy how much you learn by DOING. The preproduction process has been much harder than I anticipated, as having no budget, and desperately searching for film students at local universities who have access to equipment. While also being a full time caregiver. But road blocks are to be expected when fighting for your dream, so I am committed to the start and finish of this project no matter how it turns out. Because it will be my first, but certainly not my last, and heck... Just knowing I MADE SOMETHING!
"You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start in order to be great."
This has been a quote I have carried with me every step on my journey as an actor. We all long as artists, to not only be good, but to attain greatness. Be the next Brando or Katharine Hepburn. But we don't wake up overnight a success. Good things come with time and hard work. Enjoy the journey to accomplishing your dreams. Otherwise you will forever compare yourself to where you want to someday be instead of fully experiencing where you are now. This present moment will someday be called the "glory days" where you worked like a dog. So be relentless, kill off your ego, and be kind to yourself. Celebrate every failure as much as every victory, you are learning.
I am learning.
Living in LA for the past 3 years, 50 degrees wouldn't usually sound warm to me. But after freezing my buns off in 15-20 weather this winter in Ohio… It felt almost like spring. I just had to get out and enjoy it. I went to a local park not too far from my house that I used to frequent back in my High School days. Hoping to sit upon an old bridge that hung right over the shore, I found myself slightly disappointed… It was entirely underwater. The melting of the snow had flooded the river. I couldn't stay bummed for too long though. A new sight was before me and there was magic and mystery in the trees standing firm beneath the frigid waters.
What great joy it is to get your boots dirty and under your finger nails muddy. There's something so fulfilling about being amongst nature so long that by the time you go home, you smell like trees. To sit beside water and literally do some reflecting. To hear no other sounds but the lapping of a current or branches creaking in the wind. We are made for nature and it's a gift from God that I believe he uses to romance us back to Him. For it is amidst the outdoors and grandness of His making that I feel the most connected to Him. All outside world distractions in the distance. He seeks after us by providing us such beauty but we ourselves must choose to seek him by surrendering our daily futile time fillers and the buzz they give us. We live with our heads down, tunnel vision focused on our day to day hustle, but loose the peace that could come from lifting our heads and granting our eyes to behold the wonder of Gods Great Craftsmanship.
Every once in awhile, look up.
"Greatness lies, not in being strong, but in the right using of strength; and strength is not used rightly when it serves only to carry a man above his fellows for his own solitary glory. He is the greatest whose strength carries up the most hearts by the attraction of his own." – Henry Ward Beecher
It's often the simple words that evoke a movement in us. 'Tough' is one that perks my ears up. Many people hear of the word and immediately think of Muhammad Ali, Kobe, or Ford Trucks. Some think of iron and steel, muscles, thugs and detachment. I've never eluded much of a stereotype as someone who's "tough". Babies make my heart melt, I sentimentalize over just about anything, and when upon meeting a person you are greeted in a hug, rather than a handshake. No, I may not be tough in the eyes of many, and for quite some time that bothered me. I wanted to be tough, tough meant strong and I refused stubbornly to be considered weak. That just can't be who I am. When we try to be something against our nature we often overcompensate. I tried that route… I failed, to say the least. But because of that failure, I came to realize tough isn't always what we assume it to be. Tough to me, means to love in a world full of hate. Tough is to recognize and face feelings and own them rather than bury them or be a victim of them. Tough is having a community of people you can be vulnerable with, rather than being a lone wolf. Tough is doing the right thing even if it means personal sacrifice. Tough is recognizing many may not recognize you're tough. See I'm a huge softy, I really am. But when it comes down to it, no matter how I wear my hair, or what kind of music I listen to, or what others have to say about me... What matters is what I have to say about myself at the end of each day. So with that said I can stand tall and proudly declare: "I'm one tough cookie".
Leather Jacket: Zara
Jean Shorts: Hand Distressed Vintage Levis
Monday morning tea with Sunday reflection.
Expression of Beauty.
There isn't anything practical about beauty. Think about it, how many colors of green are in the trees? How many different colors make up a sunset? Beauty comes from abundance. As woman, we are a reflection of Gods beauty, for everything was made in His image. God put inside our hearts a desire to also reflect the beauty he created within us. How many of us woman love putting flowers out on the table, or decorating, or putting on makeup, doing our hair, nails, wearing pretty clothes, dressing our friends up… We do these things because apart of our makeup as humans is the desire to make our surroundings beautiful too. It's our instinct for a reason! We want people to feel comfortable and invited into our homes, we want to make girls feel pretty and do up our friends in makeovers, we played house and dress ups since our childhood. See when we make our surroundings and our world beautiful, we are expressing God. It's a huge reason as to why I have this blog to begin with. I want to express the beauty of being a girl! Along with that, I want to breath life into anyone who stubbles across my writing… Which leads me to:
We are made to nurture. Eve after all means to "breath life". This obviously means the physical, in bringing new life by way of child bearing, but it also means to breath life through wisdom. There's a poll that declared woman speak 20,000 words a day, and men 7,000. It's clear us woman have ALOT to say. Men, if you're reading this you know haha! We not only long for knowledge, we hope to share it. We talk to gain an understanding, to mentor, to learn, to compare, and to work thoughts through. This is a gift but one that should be handled with care. We have longed to seek wisdom since Eve in the garden. She grabbed that darn forbidden fruit off the tree in hopes of greater understanding. The problem is, there is no short cut to wisdom. We have to take the time to acquire it. Grabbing that apple (or whatever it actually was) got us in trouble, as it does anytime we take a quick route to knowledge. We must be as patient as we are eager.
We all have in us a hope and longing for a Ride or Die lifestyle. We want to BE lifted up and we want TO lift up. Us girls are social and caregiving creations. We have in us the gift of pouring into other woman. We must join together in sisterhood by serving each other without expectations for anything in return. We are filled by filling up one another. Our servitude and loving brings us real joy. Compliment how beautiful your sisters are, buy each other flowers, or be a shoulder to cry on… You'll feel good helping others feel good. Only us girls know what its like to be a girl, those boys still haven't figured us out yet ;). So let's love on one another, we know each others struggles because we share a common crafting. I learned this marking of womanhood the hard way. I had a hard time trusting other girls. I felt a lot of bitterness and jealousy towards them. But something happened: the women that I had resentment towards, served me. They gave over their hearts, sacrificed for me, served me and showed me TRUE WOMANHOOD. It convicted my heart, what did these women actually do to cause my resentment in the first place? I found a lot of it came from my own unhappiness and lack of self esteem. Its because of sisterhood I was finally able to see this. By the grace of God these girls are now my Ride or Die.
The Strength of Submission
We can't all be leaders, there needs to be submission to have a balanced world, otherwise there would be chaos. IT IS NOT A WEAKNESS! It takes strength to put yourself aside to a leader. When we mistrust we take matters into our own hands. We need to at times let go, and let God. This should represent itself in homes too. Men, don't be afraid to lead, and woman don't be afraid to fallow. This is the strength of solid relationships: The leadership and protection of man, and the servitude and softness of woman. When we follow the principles of our makeup, regardless of changing times, we find happiness and power in carrying out how we were made. An orange doesn't spend its whole life trying to be a banana all the while mistrusting and holding resentment towards its potassium filled fruit counterpart… It embraces the fact its full of Vitamin D! You cannot be your own shepherd, you need to have someone looking out for your blind spots.
There are a lot of lies we are told as woman throughout our lives… But when did we start believing them?
Courtly Check Tea Casing: Mackenzie-Childs
Courtly Check Tea Kettle: Mackenzie-Childs
A little birdie once told me…
There once was a bird that perched out my window who's singsong woke me every morning. It was loud and being a lover of sleep, I grew very bitter with the bird and its great efforts to wake me before I had any desire to be awoken. One morning, I decided to listen to the bird. I heard the pitch and the octaves. I thought foolishly of course, that I could even make out what the bird was singing about. I grew to love the bird and it's morning opera. But each day the song became more and more faint and I had to strain to hear the message it came to bring me each morning. I had comfort in its rhythmic tweets and little by little, I relied on this bird to be my wake up call. Until one day, the bird never came. It had flown away and no longer wanted to sing to me. I became angry and sad. I had relayed on those singsongs and now they were gone. I grew to hate mornings again. Knowing there would be no melody to my waking. Only the cold ground beneath my feet when I came to rise. But then, it was because of the cold ground I had realized... It was now winter. The bird flew south, it was a new time and change was required for survival and evolution for the nature of the bird. It wasn't my friend with wings I was reliant upon, it was the singsong that woke me from my deep sleep as each new day came before me.
It was winter now, and I had to be my own reason to ascend from the slumber that could over take me.
Cheetah Coat: Giacca (Thift Shop Steal)
Black Knit Top: H&M
Black Leggings: Forever 21
Black Combat Boots: Capelli
Heart Necklace: Melrose Trading
Purple Hair: Parlour Cincinnati
Always gon' be a bigger house somewhere, but ------ feel me
Long as the people in that mother------ love you dearly
Always gon' be a whip that's better than the the one you got
Always gon' be some clothes that's fresher than the ones you rock
Always gon' be a ----- that's badder out there on the tours
But you ain't never gon' be happy till you love yours
COMPARISON IS THE THEIF OF ALL JOY
The house they live in, the person they're married to, dating, their job, the art they create, their talent, their car, their looks, their children, their good works, the god they call to, the adventures they embark on, the clothes they wear, the image they portray..... We get caught in other peoples lives and how they look on the outside and how much we long to live the life they themselves only live half of. Because the other half they themselves are tethered to the idea of a better life someone else somewhere else is living. And what if we all exerted the energy we put in wanting to be someone else into all that we already are. We'd be living 100% and there would be nothing left for the futile comparisons we are used to.
I've spent a lot of time... Years actually. Pondering... worrying really, how people saw the little world that made up my life. Did they approve? Did I act in line? Was I respectable? It took a lot of time... Years actually. For me to realize that no one looks that far into my life in judgement. And no matter how people saw it, it was, by fact a broken, cluttered, messy, train wreck of beauty that surpassed any other little world that made up any one else's life. Love yours. Fret not what anyone has to say about it. Chances are: they aren't saying anything.
FUR COAT: Shillitos Fur Salon (Vintage)
CROP TOP: Forever 21
SKIRT: Forever 21
COMBAT BOOTS: Capelli
Iron sharpens iron, as one man sharpens another
There's a common misconception that greatness is lonely. The life of the lone wolf has become a modern glorification that many of us have bought into. Loneliness makes our pain feel more valiant for some obscure reason. Maybe because we feel like it is our own to battle with. Guys we weren't meant to go through life alone. We aren't meant to fight the hardships on our own. There is SUCH a beauty in community. It takes bravery to be vulnerable with ourselves and even more so to be open to others. We all have struggles in life, all have vices we are blind to, all looking for connection but in places that leave us feeling empty. We are made to unite and go to battle together. We need people to look at us and be honest, to point out our broken nature, to call us out, to remind us of what grace looks like, to give us another perspective and insight, or even just to hold us accountable. See sometimes it's not about how many bible verses you know by heart, or how frequent you pray… it's about the quality of the people that you surround yourself with. There are times we need is to be reminded of our greatness. We are our own worst critics and the worst place you can be is where you loose sight of how beautiful of a creation you are. Get connected. True friends will reveal your blind spots of brokeness but also pull the blindfold from your eyes and reveal how wonderful you are. We are only as strong as the people in our lives that lift us up.
In an interview with Klosterman for GQ, Kobe speaks on a weakness of his:
"I HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS WITH PLAYERS AROUND THE LEAGUE. LEBRON AND I WILL TEXT EVERY NOW AND THEN. KG AND I WILL TEXT EVERY NOW AND THEN. BUT IN TERMS OF HAVING ONE OF THOSE GREAT, BONDING FRIENDSHIPS—THAT’S SOMETHING I WILL PROBABLY NEVER HAVE. AND IT’S NOT SOME SMUG THING. IT’S A WEAKNESS. IT’S A WEAKNESS."
Now Kobe is one of the GREATS and even he recognizes the importance of friendships. We are as sick as our secrets and we need people to be brutally honest with us. It can sometimes hurt, but hey, sometimes love hurts and sometimes we have to hurt to heal.
With all this said, I feel so humbled and blessed to have people in my life that strengthen me. For awhile I thought I had a hard time getting connected or creating a solid community around me. The truth was all along that I HAD tons of people that love, care and support me. I just had to open my stubborn eyes!
So here's to you Wolf Pack! To those who have held me accountable, who have reminded me to hold true to my words and carry the things I say out into action. Who have made me feel strong amidst the temptation to fall weak. Who have walked beside me down the road less traveled because they too choose to live their lives against the grain. Who affirm my worth when I am blind before it. You all have poured so greatly into my life. Because of you: I am rich.
Featured today is one of my dearest best friends. Who's vulnerability and truth has impacted not only me, but countless people that walk into her life. She has a light within her that is undeniably lit by the hand of God and for her I am wonderfully blessed. Check out and support her wonderful blog as well!
Today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday.
The secret of history.
I look to the past. The tender moments of yesterday. The sun was always brighter, the grass was once greener, and my laugh much more fluent. I look to today. It's unsatisfied. Why? Because it cannot compare to the goodness once had. Here lies the problem... Tomorrow will come. And then the next. I will look to today in the future and my thought will always be "How grand was that day?" Yet, in that day, I sat comparing to the one that came before. In an endless cycle, I will sit and live in yesteryears of unhappiness and fretful futures. But, if that is the truth of now, how sweet really were the days once had? Was I not in the same uncertainty I am now? Was I not terrified of tomorrow's, always looking back, longing for the comfort I thought lied behind me? If I opened my eyes to this, wouldn't that reveal that my present, this here and now, IS the grandest of all? If I ended the comparison to my glory days, which were veiled from their true unhappiness, and opened my mind to the endless possibilities of a bright future and trusted I will forever create memories of tenderness, this would mean that in this second… I would be alive. Aware of the good amongst me despite the conflict and concerns my state may waver in. I'd stand tall and proud, here and now, creating the best of this day that will tomorrow just be a memory. Now doesn't that just sound like a better way to live?!
Black Sheer Knit Shirt: H&M
Green Maxi Coat: Ellen Tracy
Black Leggings: Forever 21
Hunter Boots: Mackenzie and Childs
Watch: Michael Kors
Gold bracelet: Lat & Lo.
Heart Necklace: Melrose Trading
The winter storm hit Cincinnati late just when we thought we were in the clear. Snowed in, I fantasize about some of these incredible fur coats to keep me warm.
1- Elizabeth and James Tarra Coat with Rabbit Coyote Fur
2- Choies Fluorescence Yellow Faux Fur Warm Coat
3- Kaelen Red Mohair Circle Oversize Coat
4- River Island Cream faux fur oversized coat
5- GIVENCHY Shearling and fur cape
6- Lapel Faux Fur Crop Blue Coat
7- Chicnova Fashion Fluorescence Faux Fur Coat